I'm going to level with you. I have no idea what Hitman is about. I can certainly tell you what happens in Hitman, and I promise that I will tell you, in some detail, about how much what happens in Hitman sucks, but I cannot tell you why it happens. If I had any respect whatsoever for director Xavier Gens (whose torture porn debut Frontier(s) was actually banned from the After Dark Horrorfest to "preserve the festival's integrity") or writer Skip Woods (whose last credit was for the esteemed Swordfish), I would call the movie "enigmatic" or "vague" instead of "nonsensical" or "totally fucking retarded". But I don't. I am a lover of trashy, violent movies, and Hitman is an insult to violent trash.
Timothy Olyphant, a talented actor best known for his role in HBO's Deadwood, plays Agent 47. Agent 47 was trained as a child by "The Organization" to be a vicious assassin. Agent 47 is hired to kill a Russian diplomat at the beginning of Hitman. Said Russian diplomat is the one who hired him. Why? I don't know. The movie doesn't explain this. A bunch of other assassins from the Organization are trying to kill Agent 47. Why? I don't know! There's also a hot Eastern European girl. She is in the movie to be naked in a few scenes. Sometimes Hitman suggests romance between her and Agent 47. She alternates her sequences of nudity with expressing disgust at his profession and trying to sleep with him, so the implied romance is pretty befuddling. Every now and again, there's some violence. If the movie were all violence, it might have some merit, something for twelve year olds to rent on Friday night, but it's mostly talking. When the violence does happen, it is confusing. Why does the Russian military dress like stormtroopers, and why does shooting them directly in the armor kill them? Why does the Russian diplomat's brother hang out in a room full of women who look like extras from a Chaka Khan video and guys from a Justin Timberlake video while threatening to them shoot in the eye?
There are no answers to these questions. Hitman is an obnoxious, misogynistic, ugly movie and that is all. If you really must watch a dumb action movie, go rent XXX. That has a plot, and treats its hot European girl like a human being. And if you must watch a dude in a black suit and red tie kill people, go play the Hitman videogames. At least those make sense. — John Constantine