Myriad questions arise as soon as you pick up Van Damme: The 3-Disc Collector's Set. Who is this collector? And what waits inside this molded plastic case adorned with the grimacing visage of the Muscles from Brussels? The VD3DCS contains three features: Kickboxer (1989) and Univeral Soldier (1992), films that arguably bookend the King of Belgians' true glory days, and the odd-man-out Replicant (2001). Why these three movies together?
One thing is clear: they all suck. The real question is whether the VD3DCS is good for you as an individual with a plethora of hours to waste.
Universal Soldier is the inspiring tale of two rival Vietnam veterans (played by Van Damme and Royal Institute of Technology alumnus Dolph Lundgren) who killed each other in action only to have Jerry Orbach turn them into undead super soldiers twenty years later. Jerry Orbach makes zombies for the U.S. military. Universal Soldier has a peculiar anesthetic effect on the brain, which is useful. It dulls the need for plot and character development well before you even hit the one-hour mark. The movie's collection of post-Terminator 2 '90s action tropes, from the armored truck base to the exploding desert gas station, leaves your capacity for critical thought dulled and malleable. By the time Lundgren shows up in a grocery store wearing a necklace of ears, it all seems to make sense.
This mindset is necessary for watching Kickboxer, which feels like a hallucination. Eric Sloane, whose perm and 1985 porno mustache should be framed for posterity, goes to Thailand searching for the ultimate kickboxing challenge and is paralyzed by vicious crazy man Tong Po. To avenge Eric, his brother Kurt (Van Damme) must become the best kickboxer in the world with the help of wacky new friends, martial arts master Xian Chow, his niece Mylee, eccentric arms dealer Winston Taylor, and a dog. Kurt's final fight against Tong Po takes place only after his wheelchair bound brother has been kidnapped, Mylee's been raped, Chow's home has been destroyed, and the dog has been stabbed. This time it is, in fact, personal. It almost seems there's no script at play in Kickboxer. It is the perfect storm of everything horrific and ugly about Reagan-era more-tits more-blood entertainment, crystallized in an hour and a half of digitally preserved film. It is trash so pure as to be enlightening.
Following Kickboxer, Replicant is transcendent. Van Damme plays a serial killer who's unknowingly cloned. Clone Van Damme then helps B-movie standby Michael Rooker pursue serial killer Van Damme. Still with me? The catch is that the cloned Van Damme has the mental capacity of a child. Replicant is Turner and Hooch, but instead of a dog, you get Van Damme. There's even a scene where Rooker locks Van Damme in a room and Van Damme proceeds to make a hilarious mess. The only real fight scenes in this movie are between Van Damme and himself, the movie closes with an ambulance crashing down a hospital staircase, and clone Van Damme rubs one out on a prostitute's leg. If these things seem disconnected, that's because they are. Replicant is only barely coherent.
And that answers the grand question: is the Van Damme: The 3-Disc Collector's Set good for you? No. Of course not. These movies are horrible, and the set is an affront against decency. Why would you even ask? — John Constantine