If he is |
Then you're dating |
Advice |
| Heartbroken and can't seem to get over his ex-girlfriend; you know he'll snap out of it the first time he feels you up. |
John Cusack in Better Off Dead. |
Let him feel you up. |
| A fresh-faced recent grad who will do anything to get laid — including help save your family's property from developers and rescue you from a biker gang. |
John Cusack in One Crazy Summer. |
Keep all those pictures he gave you. They'll be worth something someday. |
| A knight in kickboxer's clothing who didn't excel in high school but is smart enough to own his own company in his early thirties. |
John Cusack in Say Anything. |
Wear a condom. You never know if you'll still find him attractive in four years. |
| A complicated man who's reassessing his life — the mistakes, the wrong turns. He senses that you — and only you — can save his soul. |
John Cusack in The Grifters. |
Move. Him. Away. From. His. Mommy. |
| Wearing berets, reading Pinter and taking wine-tasting classes while working on his great American novel/screenplay/chapbook at night (after banging you). |
John Cusack in Bullets Over Broadway. |
Keep all those short stories he gave you. They'll be worth something someday. |
| A privileged, happy-go-lucky guy who tastes as good as he looks, and lives in a community that's totally idyllic. |
John Cusack in Grosse Point Blank. |
Enjoy all that hot sex in your childhood bedroom, all his whispered promises, and his divine attentions. But order your own stuff online. |
| A chronic bachelor who refuses to run errands with you. He's witty, intense, and will go down on you for hours, though you have a feeling he secretly lusts after his coworker's wives. |
John Cusack in Pushing Tin. |
Break up with him. |
| Pretending to embrace his aging face and body, while throwing himself into his work/art/puppetry to distract himself from the fact that time stops for no man. |
John Cusack in Being John Malkovich. |
Tell him it's the puppets or you. Don't be surprised if he chooses the puppets. |
| Short on cash, needs another mansion. |
John Cusack in America's Sweethearts. |
Help him pick out new couches for the new addition to the manse. |
| Working on a creative project to balance out his last romantic triumph, he drives you crazy by alternately avoiding your calls or proclaiming his undying devotion to you. It's all going well until you mess up his alphabetically arranged CD collection. |
John Cusack in High Fidelity. |
Buy him an iPod. |
| Short on cash, needs an Italian villa and a tummy tuck. |
John Cusack in Must Love Dogs.
|
Ignore the slightly pasty skin tone and suspiciously loose T-shirts he's suddenly wearing. Get drunk over dinner and make doggy-style innuendos. |
| Desperately wondering where all the opportunities of youth went, realizing the road of life closes down to one, straight lane ahead, and realizing his siblings and close friends are all married and busy with families of their own. Dabbles in the paranormal and tantric sex to stave off his fear of death. You're pretty sure he'll propose around Thanksgiving. |
John Cusack in 1408. |
Don't go with him on that hotel-vacation-assignment. |