DO-OVERS

A side-by-side comparison of five classic sex-scene remakes.

by Nicole Ankowski

October 26, 2007

If you fell to your knees and screamed "Why, God, why?" when you first heard about the impending Adventures in Babysitting remake, you know that some films were simply not meant to be lifted from their moment in time (in this case, 1987).

Remakes tend to spark heated discussion. Should La Femme Nikita have even been remade in English, much less with Bridget Fonda? Such a debate could rage all afternoon. But this debate isn’t about comparing literary classics to their filmic offspring. This is about the scenes you fast-forwarded to when you were fifteen and alone in the basement. Compared to today's permissive filmmaking, are the originals' sex scenes disappointingly prudish? Or are the ones in the remakes lacking the passion and romance of their predecessors'? Here, we bring you ten comparisons of sex scenes from well-known films and their remakes, and find that while the vibrancy of color doesn't automatically mean better nookie, nor does the elegance of black-and-white.

1. Blue Lagoon (1980) vs. Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991)
The tanned, skinny-dipping bodies are nearly identical, but not even the presence of sci-fi sex symbol Milla Jovovich can elevate Return to the sensual heights of its predecessor. A greater sense of libidinal self-awareness robs this sequel of the stark sexual tension that permeates the original. Brooke Shields and Christopher Atkins are brilliant in their near-obliviousness: "What are you looking at?" the virile young Richard, wearing nothing but a loincloth, asks Emmeline. "Your muscles," she responds, matter-of-factly. Yeah, us too. — Steph Auteri
Winner: Original

2. L'Ultimo Bacio (2001) vs. The Last Kiss (2006)
Illicit sex is hotter, as L'Ultimo Bacio and its American remake prove. Both films are about the conflicts confronted by men approaching their thirties. When Carlo discovers his long-time girlfriend is pregnant, he engages a young coed, Francesca, in a spontaneous roll in the sack. Much is left to the imagination — Francesca strips only as far as her white sports bra. And the score, seemingly written for a Charlie Chaplin comedy, does nothing for the mood.

In The Last Kiss, Michael (Zach Braff) joins Kim (OC hottie Rachel Bilson) for drinks at a frat party, then for drunken dorm sex. Bilson refused to get naked on camera, but still shows more skin than Francesca, and seeing her slither out of her underwear — schoolgirl skirt intact — makes this scene hotter than its Italian forebear's. — Liz Nadybal
Winner: Remake

3. Swept Away (1974) vs. Swept Away (2002)
The Italian original was directed by Lina Wertmuller, the first woman ever to be nominated for an Academy Award. The sequel was directed by Guy Richie and stars his wife, Madonna. That's all we have to say.

Except! Take a look at the original. Giancarlo Giannini plays aCommunist yachthand stranded on a deserted island with an abusive wealthy socialite. Their power dynamic suddenly reversed, he begins to harass her. It's subversive, upsetting, hilarious and sexy — all the things that Madonna used to be, which makes her tepid, wooden performance in the remake all the more sad. The fact that her yachtsman is played by Giannini's son only emphasizes the lameness of the imitation. If only they would have kept some of his father's dialogue: "I'll kick you in the ass! And I'll keep kicking you, you ugly Social Democrat whore!" And, "Now I'm going to ram it in and split that fine little perfumed pussycat apart, and you're finally going to know a real man!" – Nicole Ankowski
Winner: Original

4. The End of the Affair (1955) vs. The End of the Affair (1999)
Based on the Graham Greene novel, both films focus on an illicit affair in war-torn London as the city literally crumbles around them. Julianne Moore and Ralph Fiennes have the clear advantage of making a film forty years after Deborah Kerr and Van Johnson, well after prudish production codes were abandoned. And no one does neurotic, complicated sex like Moore (Boogie Nights) and Fiennes (ah, The English Patient). Note the scene where the two lovers can't stop themselves, even as a bombing raid pummels the city — the building shakes, plaster rains down on their naked bodies, yet they can't take their eyes off each other. And neither can you. – N.A.
Winner: Remake

5. Alfie (1966) vs. Alfie (2004)
Though Michael Caine's version might be more beloved (he was nominated for an Oscar, and the role launched his stellar career), the 2004 version has a big advantage: modern-day Hollywood's flexible morals when it comes to sex. Each film opens with Alfie putting his limo to very good use, but in 1966 the camera is outside the vehicle, squinting through opaque windows. By contrast, Jude Law's Alfie has Jane Krakowski on his lap and in full view. Ditto Alfie's affair with his best friend's wife — in Caine's version, he demurely pecks her on the cheek as the camera pans away. In the remake, we get Nia Long with her shirt unzipped just so, dancing and smoking in a closed bar before Jude lifts her onto a pool table. — N.A.
Winner: Remake

6. Open Your Eyes (1997) vs. Vanilla Sky (2001)
A beautiful anomaly amongst remakes, this is not only film versus film, but also Penelope Cruz's breasts circa 1997 versus Penelope Cruz's breasts circa 2001. In the Spanish original, Cruz is fresh faced, glowing, and gorgeous — you just want to eat her up, even if you can't tell what the hell is going on because you don't speak Spanish. In Vanilla Sky, we have a lovely view of her naked breasts, which are just as astoundingly pert as they were four years prior. Unfortunately, we also have a view of post-Cocktail Tom Cruise, and that's our tipping point here. — N.A.
Winner: Original

6. Dangerous Liaisons (1988) vs. Les Liaisons Dangereuses (2003) vs. Valmont (1989) vs. Cruel Intentions (1999)

For a book first published in 1782, Les Liaisons Dangereuses has legs. Centered around French aristocratic lovers/rivals who use sex as a tool for manipulation, it's been translated into so many different films you could lose count (though Michael Lucas' Dangerous Liaisons, a gay adult film inspired by the original, does stand out.) How to compare John Malkovich's sociopathic seducer to Colin Firth's kinder yet equally rakish Valmont? Or Glenn Close to Annette Benning to Catherine Deneuve? And once Buffy the Vampire Slayer gets involved, as she does in Cruel Intentions, all bets are off. — N.A.
8. Jane Eyre (1996) vs. Wide Sargasso Sea (1993)
Technically not a remake, but if it was good enough as a companion to Jane Eyre for my English Lit professor, it's good enough for this list. Wide Sargasso Sea, based on the novel of the same name, is a prequel to Jane Eyre, and tells the story of the madwoman in the attic, Mr. Rochester's wife from the Bronte novel. But this ain't no Disney-designed, teenage-Tarzan-style prequel. The novel Wide Sargasso Sea was a lush, violent bit of feminist revisionist history, and the film follows suit: Mr. Rochester's wife is insane because her husband royally fucked her over. The film, however, focuses mainly on the literal fucking, set against a sweaty tropical plantation backdrop. The vengeance-sex brings to mind the gleeful chaos of Wild Orchid, minus Mickey Rourke and the '80s couture. — N.A.
Winner by a good ten inches: Remake

9. Solyaris (1972) vs. Solaris (2002)
I'm not discounting the brilliance of Andrei Tarkovsky's 1972 optical masterpiece. I'm just saying that Steven Soderbergh's remake features three things the original did not: Natascha McElhone, George Clooney, and George Clooney's naked ass. — N.A.
Winner: Remake

10. Lady Chatterley's Lover vs. Lady Chatterley's Lover vs. Lady Chatterley's Lover, et. al.
Even D.H. Lawrence couldn't stop reworking his famed novel — he wrote three separate versions about the lovely aristocrat who takes up with her estate's virile gamekeeper after her husband is paralyzed during the war. Classism mitigated through fucking? Timeless, as the multiple movie versions attest. Famed French director Pascale Ferran lent a feminine touch to her 2006 version, starring the lovely Marina Hands, by showing that screwing at the base of a tree is an exercise in awkwardness. Sylvia Kristel shows off her lemon-bud breasts and creamy white thighs to great effect in 1981's film. And in the Young Lady Chatterley series, which started in 1977, a descendent of Lady Chatterley finds her diaries and, inspired, gets with just about everyone on-set. There are so many sex scenes, and so many remakes, it would take weeks of Netflix deliveries to compare them all. — N.A.
Winner: Posterity (and D.H. Lawrence's estate)