29 Thoughts About Summer Blockbusters

by Adam Boyle

June 1, 2007

1. I was really getting psyched to see Shrek The Third. Then I remembered I hadn't seen Shrek, or Shrek 2. I also remembered I didn't like movies that made me feel like I was being repeatedly stabbed in the eyeball with a rusty coathanger. So: I passed.

2. Oh boy — Pirates of the Caribbean 3 is out. Wait: There was a Pirates of the Caribbean 2? I must have missed the Oscars that year.

3. There's also Spider-Man 3, which I hear is really good if you're, like, three. I heard that from a four year old, who said it completely blows.

4. I bet Tobey Maguire, a decent actor, sometimes wonders why he's spending the best years of his lives making computer-generated costume movies. Then I think he looks down at the Cristal-filled Jacuzzi in his gold-plated Escalade and stops wondering.

5. Sorry to sound so cranky, but no one's making the summer sequels I want to see. Like, where's Squid and the Whale II? I'd be first in line! Right ahead of fourteen other iPod-wearing boho assclowns just like me.

6. I don't get the whole "popcorn movie" thing, that movie audiences just want "mindless entertainment" that just "gives them a break." A break from what? Norbit?

7. There's always one little movie that just shows up and warms audiences and becomes the "sleeper hit" of the summer. Last year it was Little Miss Sunshine. This year, I'm predicting it will be Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Just you watch — people are going to love that darling little film.

8. I don't mind the Harry Potter people, I really don't. But that's a lot of reading and movie-watching you've done at this point, folks. But now, you probably could have built a houseboat out of dried macaroni with all that time.

9. Hey, Hollywood, where's The Pacifier II? I'm wondering, and so is Vin Diesel. And Vin Diesel's landlord.

10. I'm not going to come out and say that I won't go see Live Free or Die Hard, which is the fourth Die Hard movie. But I will come out and say that Bruce Willis is looking more and more like a buff Don Rickles.

11. Speaking of which, if you read one summer book this summer, read Rickles' Book by Don Rickles. I'm not kidding, it's a real book. You probably can finish it during the previews before Live Free or Die Hard.

12. Man, remember when previews used to be something you looked forward to? Now they manage to suck more than the actual movies, which is a pretty amazing accomplishment.

13. Not that it's coming out this summer, I'm not really feeling the next Sasha Baron Cohen movie. I liked Borat just fine, but I don't really care so much about Bruno. A swishy gay fashion guy? Isn't that the same character Robin Williams has played in his last thirty-seven movies? Except Good Will Hunting, of course.

14. Although it would have been kind of awesome in Good Will Hunting.

15. I am looking forward to The Bourne Ultimatum with Matt Damon. Those Bourne movies are always good. And boy, that's a nice paycheck for Matt. A bazillion bucks for thirty-four words and some running.

16. Hey did you know that they're making a new Indiana Jones movie? I can't believe anyone wants to see that. Especially you, Harrison Ford.

17. The comedy people say the big comedy we all have to see is Knocked Up. It's from the people behind The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Which is a funny movie, though I am a little addicted to watching it on cable television. I've seen it 893 times now, and I have to stop. Talk about your macaroni houseboats.

18. You know what's really interesting? Those specials they do on cable TV about summer blockbusters where all the actors talk about how long it took them to get into their makeup. Oh man, that is so interesting, I could watch something like that for, say, twenty-three seconds.

19. Al Pacino's in Ocean's 13. He was also in Ocean's 11. The original, not the remake. In 1917.

20. I was one of those people who thought Little Miss Sunshine was overrated, but I bet before this summer is over I'm going to be crying for another Little Miss Sunshine.

21. You know what was a great summer movie? Do the Right Thing. You watch that movie now, and you feel like it's a miracle it ever got made. It's funny, thoughtful, provocative, contemporary, and cost about as much as one of Bruce Willis' trailers. If you haven't seen it in a while, you should see it, just so you have something to say to that guy at the rooftop party who's trying to tell you that Inside Man "is Spike Lee's best movie." Inside Man is quite good, but not his best, Rooftop-Party Dude.

22. You know who's doing a voice in Shrek 3? John Krasinski, the dude from The Office. Watch out at that premiere party, John. That's Cameron Diaz, and she thinks you're kind of cute.

23. Speakin' of The Office, this summer there's also Evan Almighty, which stars Steve Carell as a former character actor who really wanted to make a shitload of money.

24. Boy, that's a behind-the-scenes DVD to avoid. Tech guy: "Well, we were able to computerize the giraffes by replicating footage..." Zzzzzzzzz.

25. Kevin James, the King of Queens guy, is in I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry with Adam Sandler, which should be a big hit. He was also in Hitch, which was a big hit. Somewhere, Ray Romano is yelling at his agent.

26. Michael Moore, Sicko, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I'll go see it, but I'm not reading another word about it — leave me alone, newspapers.

27. I guess I'll see the Simpsons movie, too. Which is weird, since I skip over it on the remote about 3,040 times a day. It's about as disingenuous as me going to see a movie about Paula Zahn. Then again, I didn't spend college laughing my ass off at Paula Zahn.

28. Sorry I've gone missing from this web site for so long. Turns out not everybody gets to leave the Wonderland Rehab center when they want to.

29. Transformers? Fuck yeah — I'm there.